1. Boglins: the Gremlins’ more terrifying cousin
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If there’s one thing all of us remember it’s don’t feed your Gremlins after midnight! Fortunately, not many of us remember Boglins – and it’s better off that way, trust me. Boglins were the rip-off version of Gremlins that were marketed at boys who wanted to keep horrible little creatures in cages.
2. Poochie the Poodle: not so pretty in pink
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When it comes to toys and pink, Barbie takes the crown – but Poochie the Poodle gave it her best shot. There was a time when Poochie had a lot of collectible home items, and even her own movie, but stare too long into those poodle eyes and you’ll only see capitalist disappointment.
3. Gobots: we have Transformers at home!
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The aptly named Gobots were transformative robot toys that certainly did ‘go’ – right off the shelves and into non-existence once Optimus Prime came along. When you were a kid in the 80s, there was only one robot toy you wanted – and if it was a Gobot instead of an Autobot, that was a sad Christmas indeed.
4. Keypers: we don’t want to know what’s inside
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The theme tune for this particular 80s toy merrily sang, “Keypers, Keypers… what’s inside those Keypers?” But it turns out we’d rather not know, because the tune was a little creepy to say the least. These toys were sort of keepsake storage toys functioning as ‘cute’ animals on the side.
5. Wuzzles: disturbing animal experiments
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Sure, toys that are adorable animals are never going to go out of style – but just because all animals are cute doesn’t mean you should mash them together like some Frankenstein’s Monster and then market them. But that’s precisely what Wuzzles did. And it was okay if you wanted half a hippo and half a rabbit to play with.
6. Cabbage Patch Kids: because who doesn’t want a creepy doll?
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Most kids want a doll at some point in their childhood, and in the 80s, it just so happened to be that the plastic-headed Cabbage Patch Kids were the ones to beat. If the fact that the dolls were children grown from cabbage patches doesn’t scare you enough, just try finding one staring at you from across the room at night as a kid!
7. ALF: for all your terrifying puppet needs
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Alf the alien was everywhere in the 80s – and that was the problem. As if his general existence wasn’t creepy enough, he was then made into a toy that could sit in the chair in the corner of your room and stare at you. The worst part? There was a talking version.
8. My Pet Monster: the clue’s in the name
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Monster toys can be cool – when they’re done the right way. My Pet Monster? It looked very much like a monster, which unfortunately just means it’s too terrifying to play with. Looking sort of like a Monster Munch family member, this toy’s eyes were something you definitely didn’t want to meet in a dark alley.
9. Spirograph: the only thing we enjoyed about Maths
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The spirograph has truly stood the testament of time, but it was during the 80s that this toy was at its peak. Sure, maths class bored us and we wouldn’t enjoy using a ruler or a compass at home. But a spirograph? There was just something about that swirly twirly protractor we couldn’t get enough of.
10. Popples: the less clingy Care Bears
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Popples was the adorable fluffy toy that wanted a hug in 5-10 business days. You didn’t have to worry about tending to its every need immediately, like you would a Care Bear. The perfect toy for those with a fear of commitment. The best (or maybe creepiest?) thing about them was you could fold them away into a pouch.
11. M.A.S.K: the pinnacle of tiny automobiles
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M.A.S.K figurines were once a big deal, where you would get what you thought was a standard looking car or helicopter, only to have it reveal a lot of hidden extras like cool combat weapons and other secrets. They were also perfect for collecting and playing with your friends!
12. Zoids: like Lego, but better
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Zoids were basically huge mechanical animals, the likes of which you couldn’t hope to build with Lego if you actually wanted them to move and stay together. They weren’t just everyday animals, either – you could make your own super-cool dinosaur, or even a huge spider to scare your parents. Still – better than standing on a Lego brick, right?
13. BraveStarr: the action figure that ran out of action
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A lot of action figures have come and gone, and – alas – BraveStarr is one of them. Based on the cartoon show, the action figures themselves came as some of the main characters – but they didn’t really get anymore interesting than that. Except maybe cool hats.
14. Visionaries: Knights of the Magical Light
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This one was a bit of a mouthful – but hey, you could say ‘Vis’ for short, right? – and for a time they were actually really cool action figures. Their premise was that they would get powers from holographic symbols on their chest. But their power apparently ran out because they didn’t stay around forever.
15. Roland Rat: the only rodent you’d want in your home
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Roland Rat is a British national treasure, which is why making a toy out of him in the 80s was a savvy financial move. Roland Rat appeared in soft toy form, complete with striped blue jumper without the need to worry that he’d get into your snack cupboard and make a mess.
16. Mr Pop: when sharp plastic and kids eyes are the perfect mix
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And pop he did! Mr Pop was sort of a mix between Operation and Buckaroo (and we know how that ended, don’t we?). With Mr Pop, you had to put his face in the right order before he quite literally ‘popped’ up scaring the life out of you, and possibly blinding you as his nose flew at your face at the same time.
17. Pound Puppies: the ultimate guilt trip
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It’s bad enough to know all about the puppies in real life that are stuck in shelters – but then we were faced with Pound Puppies, toys we were guilted into buying because if not, they’d stay abandoned in doggy kennels. And of course you can’t just buy one… you had to buy them all! To clear your conscience, of course.
18. Ring Raiders: like a toy knuckle duster
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Sure, toys that double as a ring you can wear seem like a good idea – except maybe if it’s a toy plane. These tiny plane toys could be worn on your finger as a ring – and of course you had the option of putting five of them on at once and hitting your least favorite sibling with.
19. Teddy Ruxpin: he looks like a bear, but that’s what he wants you to think
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If you actually watched the Teddy Ruxpin commercial and came away from it thinking ‘wow that looks cool’, you brought it on yourself. There’s no way you can think of this dead-eyed teddy bear as anything but creepy. Ruxpin was actually a species called Illiop, which look like bears but actually aren’t. And they talk to you.
20. The Get Along Gang: teaching your kids people-pleasing is okay
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The Get Along Gang was a bunch of collectible anthropomorphic animals where your children were pressured into, quite literally, ‘getting along’ with everyone. The toys form a club with the premise they’re all supposed to have the same interests and compromise for each other. Fun times.
